


hope, unendurable

by deathlessaphrodite



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Gen, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), pre-the after credits scene!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:02:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28390584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathlessaphrodite/pseuds/deathlessaphrodite
Summary: Loki remembered very vividly the first time he’d chosen to keep something from Thor.There had been a time when their lives had been shared between the both of them like a loaf of bread. The few hours of the day that they weren’t together were deliberated over with childish intensity; a sour mood had not crossed him that Thor had not known about. Loki wondered when it had become so easy to hide.
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel), not tho/rki so ya'll nasties can get out of here :)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	hope, unendurable

**_“Walking home, for a moment / you almost believe you could start again. / And an intense love rushes to your heart, / and hope. It’s unendurable, unendurable.”_ ** **\- Franz Wright, from “East Boston, 1996; Night Walk,” in** **_God’s Silence_ **

Loki remembered very vividly the first time he’d chosen to keep something from Thor. 

There had been a time when their lives had been shared between the both of them like a loaf of bread. The few hours of the day that they weren’t together were deliberated over with childish intensity; a sour mood had not crossed him that Thor had not known about. Loki wondered when it had become so easy to hide. 

The first time he’d hidden something from Thor had been after training one day - Thor had landed a hit on him too hard, had winded him, and while he’d been trying to catch his breath, chest burning, his brother had knocked him gently on the shoulder and worriedly asked if he’d been too rough. Thor’s friends had watched from the gate. Loki had cast his eyes to the floor and then smiled and said, “You’ll have to work harder than that to wound me, brother.” And Thor had laughed, and left him behind. And it had felt good to have something hidden away for himself, even if that thing was pain. 

It was hard to hide on the _Statesman,_ full of people as it was, and any privacy that might have been afforded to the royal family seemed to have been left behind with their planet. Even the quiet places were full of people, and no one was sleeping as soundly as they should have been. People were always up and about, getting in his way, or he in theirs, and he didn’t even have the right to be angry at them for it. 

Thor had refused to sleep in the Captain’s quarters, as had been suggested, and had instead made his nest in the observation chambers with the rest of their people. There was a certain - _appeal,_ Loki supposed. It reminded him of the great mead halls that had been so common on Asgard - great and sprawling, always warm and full of people and food no matter the time of day. Except they were worried they would run down on fuel if they kept the ship as warm as they would have liked, and they had few people and very little food. 

Loki had not officially been given a role on King Thor’s council - so much as it was - but he had begun quietly referring to himself as _Chancellor._ It was… a vain hope, he supposed, that Thor would grant him any sort of title at all once they reached Midgard. But it seemed to be his role, or, at least, everyone else seemed to think it was his role. When Thor sought him out, it was mostly for advice, playing under the assumption that Loki had any idea what they should be doing at all. 

But Thor had good instincts, generally, and very rarely actually needed Loki’s advice in the first place. Loki, for the first time in his life, was trying not to let it get to him. Thor was… changed, from the time he’d spent on Midgard or from the loss of their parents, or the dozens of other things Loki is sure his brother had lost in the time since they’d last seen each other. Loki was changed, too. He knew that, sometimes, when he was looking at Thor and wondering who the man in front of him was, that Thor was thinking the same. 

Those moments passed quickly, for the most part. Thor was Thor, Loki was Loki, and they had known each other for so long that sometimes it felt like no time at all. They would be at one another’s side, going forward, as it was supposed to be. Loki hoped, at least. 

He tried to make himself useful. There were painfully few healers on the ship, and though Loki’s healing magic was not as strong as it could have been, he had been roped into aiding them on occasion. Everyone onboard had some scrapes or bruises, of course, so they began with the most grievously injured and worked their way down. Loki hated it. Healing magic always made him feel like crawling out of his skin - people were too close, it took far too long, and once you started it was impossible to stop. There was always someone with a broken bone or a bruised rib who needed help. 

Most days even the opportunity to do anything else were quashed, because a few hours spent healing had him exhausted and irritable until he’d had a chance to sleep. He’d started cursing himself for not paying more attention during the few healing lessons he’d had - his mother had said _Concentration is key, Loki,_ and he had not listened to her. 

When Thor wanted to find him he most often came to the room they’d set aside for healing. He’d exchange a few kind words with the fishwives and battle nurses they’d gathered together, and then wave Loki outside, and Loki would follow him, covered in blood or even less appetizing materials, and often feeling like a child about to be scolded, for reasons even he couldn’t grasp. 

“I am glad you are… applying yourself, Loki,” Thor said, “To something… helpful. Productive. But, I was wondering…” His hand drifted up to his face, to brush over the eyepatch he now wore, a new nervous tick that Loki had by then become familiar with, “We need to start putting a council together, a real council. Everything that needs doing… can’t be done by a dozen different people in a dozen different rooms.”

Loki picked at some dry skin on one of his knuckles - a nervous tick of his own, “I agree, brother.” His voice sounded halting and strange, even to his own ears.

“Valkyrie has agreed to be Mistress of War. Heimdall is… Heimdall. He refuses to take any one position,” Thor laughed, singular eye crinkling, “Just to be pedantic, I suppose. But I’m a bit… stuck. I know we’ll need a Master of Coin, but that seems… unimportant, at the moment.”

“Agriculture,” Loki said, “Once we get to Midgard, we’ll need a Master of Agriculture. Master of Law, too. And Mistress of War…” He shook his head, “The Midgardians won’t like that, it’s too… violent, for them. Mistress of -”

“Defense,” Thor said, nodding, “You’re right.” Loki smiled, and forced himself to stop picking at his skin, “And there is, still, the position of Chancellor,” _Oh no,_ Loki thought, “You - is there even any point in asking you? You know - the position, it has always been yours.” 

Loki stared down at their feet, focusing on a crack in the floor, “Is it… wise, brother?”  
  
“Wise?” Thor laughed, loud and boisterous, stymied by nothing, “And why should it not go to you, the wisest of us all?”   
  
Loki snorted, and felt the sudden urge to punch Thor in the ribs, “People won’t like it.”

“The people know you as their recent saviour and as my beloved brother. They have short memories.”

“Midgard won’t like it. _Valkyrie_ won’t like it.”

“She likes you better than you think,” Thor clamped an arm around his shoulder, and guided him toward the observation window. The room they’d begun referring to as the Main Hall was blessedly empty, “ _I_ like you better than you think. You’ve always been so…”

“Maudlin?” The word was one their mother had used often, usually in scolding, and it made Thor smile, 

“Melancholy. We have all always liked you better than you thought.” 

Loki turned and looked out at the many, many stars in front of them. Stars ahead, stars behind. At least that was a constant, “I know.” He nodded, sharply, turning back to his brother, “I do know, Thor.”

“Good,” He punched Loki in the arm, playful, but not playful enough that it didn’t hurt. Loki hissed out an _ow_ and Thor tapped him on the cheek in apology, “I have faith in you, Loki. Perhaps I am a fool, but I do have faith.” 

“You are a fool,” Loki said, smiling and feeling it in more than just his face, for once, “But not in this. At least, not this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my favourite movie and i've never written fic for it before! absurd. anyway luv u


End file.
